Nobel Committee Asks Obama To Return Peace Prize

Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including the “really nice” case it came in.

Jagland, flanked by the other four members of the Committee, said they’d never before asked for the return of a Peace Prize, “even from a damnable war-criminal like Kissinger,” but that the 10% drawdown in US troops in Afghanistan the President announced last week capped a period of “non-Peace-Prize-winner-type behavior” in 2011.  “Guantanamo’s still open. There’s bombing Libya. There’s blowing bin Laden away rather than putting him on trial. Now a few US troops go home, but the US will be occupying Afghanistan until 2014 and beyond. Don’t even get me started on Yemen!”

The Committee awarded Obama the coveted prize in 2009 after he made a series of speeches in the first months of his presidency, which convinced the Peace Prize Committee that he was: “creating a new climate of…multilateral diplomacy…an emphasis on the role of the United Nations…of dialogue and negotiations as instruments for resolving international conflicts…and a vision of world free of nuclear arms.”

“Boy oh boy!” added Jagland. “Did we regret that press release!”

Thorbjorn Jagland and members of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee
celebrate Norway’s annual aquavit tasting festival.

But, he revealed the committee members were all “legless drunk” the day they voted, as it was the start of Norway’s annual aquavit-tasting festival. The “totally toasted” members listened over and over to replays of Obama’s Cairo speech, tearing up and drinking shots to the glorious future: a black man leading America and the world into a new era of peace, hope and goodwill. “For a few hours we were all 18 year-old students again at the beautiful, occasionally sunny University of Bergen! Oh, how we cried for joy!”

The chairman said the committee weren’t “going to be pills” about getting the Prize back because they still “basically really liked” Mr. Obama and that sending it back in a plain package by regular mail would be fine if it would save him the embarrassment of a public return. But added Jagland, “things could get nasty” if the committee didn’t see it… -->

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Obama badly needs a lesson in European history

The Barack “Dove of Peace” Obama may need a lesson in European history, pronto. This time around he came to Tallinn to save Estonia from “Russian aggression” and made new historic blunders. The American President has the floor: “reaching back to the days of the tsars – trying to reclaim lands “lost” in the 19th century – is surely not the way to secure Russia’s greatness in the 21st century. (Applause.)”

Russia is no doubt thankful to Mr. Obama for his concern about Russia’s greatness. On the other hand, what lands did Russia lose exactly in the 19th century? Maybe the Crimea peninsula? Well, no, actually, Russia has successfully defended Crimea in bloody battles against Western countries when they tried to seize it in the 19th century. Leo Tolstoy described the Crimean War in his works.

Were there perhaps other territorial losses for Russia that the esteemed Nobel Peace Prize laureate could blather about from high tribunes? Well, no, not really. You see, in the 19th century, Russia has destroyed the Great Napoleon’s army, came to Paris and Istanbul. In general, the whole 19th century Russia was scaring the hell out of Europe and augmenting its territory, but no land has been lost.

Obama continues the tradition of proving to the world that American presidents are uneducated, ill-informed and short-sighted people. Oh, well, who needs history in geopolitics nowadays anyway? Fire away!… -->

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